The She’s Brave Podcast

How to Enforce Boundaries

If you’ve read my previous post, on how to create boundaries in relationships then you may be wondering now that you know what your personal limits are, how do you express to others your newfound limits and boundaries? 

 

I want to preface this by saying if this is new for you or if you’ve had loose boundaries before with others it is completely normal to be nervous and maybe even a little doubtful about not only creating boundaries but enforcing them as well. Think about it, if you've spent a large majority of your time letting people do and say what they want, of course, it would be difficult to change the habit and dynamic.

 

With that being said now that you have created your new limits how do you enforce them with others? 

 

As a preliminary step, I want you to get real with yourself about what you hope to gain by building stronger boundaries. Are you hoping for greater self-respect and peace, stronger relationships, balance in relationships, and pride in yourself by standing up for yourself? Don’t skip this step because it is essential. How will your life and the way you feel about yourself be different? How will your relationships be different? Ok, got it? Good, now on to how do you enforce boundaries with those around you?

 

Ok, the first thing to remember is that your boundaries are about YOU your limits, and what you feel comfortable with. They are the things you want to put in place to not only take care of yourself but also get your needs met. When verbally expressing them to others they should be stated calmly, short and simple. Keep in mind that this is not a debate with the other person or a compromise of what they think your limits should be. They simply are your limits and what you need. With that being said, here are a few examples of how you can enforce your boundaries with others. 

 

Scenario: A family member calls you during work hours when you are unavailable.

Your need: Minimal personal interruptions during work hours

Boundary: “Hey, I’m not available between 9am-5pm during the week, I’ll call you when I get off work”

 

Scenario: A friend is consistently late when you have dinner dates 

Your need: Your time to be taken into consideration, your friend to arrive on the agreed upon time or them to communicate when they will be late 

Boundary: “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve run late for a few of our dinners. Can you let me know when you’ll be late?” 

 

Scenario: A co-worker is inquiring about your salary

Your need: You want to keep your finances personal

Boundary: “Hey, I don’t discuss my finances at work”.

 

The first thing I want you to realize, from PsychCentral, is that this is not to tell people that they are wrong, bad or what they should do. This is a statement of what you will do, what you want, and how you will behave if this person behaves a certain way. Remember the only person you can control is yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions or their response to your boundary.  Also, their response has nothing to do with you. 

Consequences

 

Alright, now let's say you’ve set the boundary, made your intentions clear, and what you want. After you’ve clearly and calmly expressed what you want if others continue to disregard your needs, then your next step is action. As I've mentioned before, the only person you can control is yourself. Which leads me to consequences. If this person continues to push or not respect the limits that you’ve created, what will be the consequence? That could look like a number of things. That could mean you no longer answer their calls(in the case of telling others you are unavailable), locking your office door, or putting a do not disturb note on your door(to prevent interruptions), it could be disengagement and letting the other person know you can continue when calm(in the case of someone speaking to you in a manner that makes you feel icky), or flat out ending or limiting contact in cases where your boundaries continue to be disregarded. Whether you express these consequences to others or keep them as mental notes to yourself on how you will behave is up to you. 

Resistance 

Lastly, how do you handle the resistance you may receive from others when you begin these new habits and set these new limits? Of course when the dynamic of any relationship changes there will be some resistance to the new changes. My best advice for managing this is to make it about you, your limits, and what YOU feel comfortable with as PsychCentral mentions, letting the other person know there is a possibility that you are wrong. Your boundaries are put in place to take care of you, allow the balance of needs in your relationships and help you get what you need. Your boundaries as mentioned from PsychCentral(can you tell I loved this article) should be short and simple, stated calmly based on what you need so that they are not in a position of debate or swaying from the other person. It will take some practice for both you and the other person to get used to your new boundary but will time the dynamic can change. 

When you do not create boundaries in your relationships not only does it disregard your needs but it creates an imbalance in relationships. Which can lead to resentment, anger, and of course unmet needs, which leaves you with the lower hand in relationships. It prevents you from getting what you want and need from relationships and can diminish the trust and respect you have for yourself. By creating boundaries in your relationships not only are you respecting your wants, needs, and limits you are also creating the foundation for healthier, stronger, and more respectful relationships. 

So how will you start to create and enforce your boundaries in your relationships? Comment below. And if you recognize that creating and maintaining boundaries is difficult for you and would like support, book a complimentary 30-minute telephone consultation with me so we can chat about what is getting in your way.

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PsychCentral article

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How a Boudoir Photoshoot Can Help You Feel Sexy, Beautiful and Brave

I am talking to Victoria Blaire Svensson today, a former nurse who transitioned into a new career as a full-time boudoir photographer in Cleveland. Victoria loves providing a boudoir experience that opens the door for women to explore and embrace different sides of themselves completely free of judgment.

Boudoir provides an opportunity for people to be open and vulnerable. The session is a space for clients to step outside of their comfort zone, grow, and come out the other side with amazing photos. Victoria’s boudoir style is laid back, intimate, and natural. She loves creating an experience that utilizes dark and moody settings, loungewear, and personality where she works to show women their own beauty.

The best part about a boudoir photo shoot is truly embracing the whole experience and is a really empowering experience. Victoria loves popping champagne and playing fun music for her clients. She’s also not afraid to get on the other side of the camera and get a feel for what her clients are going through so she can make their experience that much more comfortable.

Many clients arrive at a photoshoot with nerves, and that’s normal. Victoria is there to reassure her clients and guide them through the process with posing tips and a relaxed atmosphere — she’ll even help you nail the sultry expressions. All you have to do is bring yourself. Listen to today’s podcast to hear more about boudoir and how it can help you grow your confidence.

 

 

Connect with Victoria!:

Website: https://www.boudoirvb.com/

Instagram: @vblaire_photography

 

Let’s Connect!:

 

Website:https://www.shesalivetothrive.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shesalive2thrive

Podcast: https://www.shesalivetothrive.com/podcast/

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships

My dear my dear, today I want to talk about something that is so important for your mental health and the health of your relationships. The thing that will either have you feeling empowered and in control of your relationships or like a complete doormat. If you didn’t guess it, today we’re talking about boundaries. 

 

If you’re feeling disrespected, walked over, small, or taken advantage of them I had you in mind when creating this.

 

So if you aren’t familiar with boundaries and either weren’t taught or didn’t see other authority figures in your life having clear, straightforward boundaries then this may be something you’ve struggled with in your relationships and had no idea why. 

 

The lack of boundaries in our relationships can leave us feeling like we have the lower hand in relationships and essentially take or accept any behavior from others.

 

So before I give you a few starting points on how to create boundaries what are they in the first place.

 

Boundaries are:

 

The personal limits you set for yourself

The standards or expectations on how you want to be treated 

The things you have in place to allow you to protect yourself and have your own back 

A form of self-care and a way of taking care of yourself 

 

Boundaries can look like…

I don’t take phone calls during work hours 

I will not allow anyone who is unkind to be in my life and space 

I have to have sufficient alone time to refresh 

I will not accept physical or emotional abuse from anyone in my life 

I prefer not to be hugged by strangers 

Kisses are acceptable after the first date only 

I don’t loan money to others 

 

Anything that makes you feel safe, and comfortable, and in alignment with your values. And literally, they can be anything.

 

The thing is everyone’s boundaries are different and they are based on our personal needs and preferences. 

 

So if you find yourself feeling unsafe, uncomfortable, and irritable, chances are a boundary of yours has been crossed. 

 

So what are the first steps to creating and maintaining boundaries?

 

1. Figure out what works for you. As I mentioned our boundaries are all very personal to us. So what might not be ok for your friend might be acceptable to you. It’s based on what YOU feel most comfortable with.
2. Using the above figure out what your limits or standard are for how you would like to be treated and what would make you feel respected, safe, and comfortable. That can look like some items from the list above or something completely different 
3. Enforce the boundary. Here is where the work comes in. You have to let people know what is and what is not ok with you. And yes, I know this part can be scary. Especially creating new boundaries in a relationship that is established. And I can’t promise you that there won’t be any resistance to the boundaries you set. But keep in mind this is for you and to make sure you are comfortable/take care of yourself.

 

Setting boundaries and limits can be any number of things. And I’ll be talking about that in the following post.

 

For now, think about how you can take better care of yourself and what boundaries would help support you in that goal?

 

If you like this or it was helpful, send it to a friend who you think it might help. And for more support on confidence sign up for email to get more personalized content.

Is my indecisiveness a sign of low self confidence and self trust?

How might your indecisive be impacting how much you trust yourself? In today's podcast we'll talk about how making decisions and living your life for you will help build your confidence. 

How to Practice Self-Care In a Relationship

How is your lack of self-care impacting you and your relationship? Today we're going to be talking about how maintaining healthy self-care will not only improve your happiness and health but improve your relationship as well.

 

But first, why do we fear being selfish? Why is it that we worry that if we decide that we are important enough to take care of then there will be some negative consequence? There are so many posts out there that have to reassure us that if we make ourselves and needs a priority then we are not evil people who aren’t concerned about other people. Like why does it have to be that extreme? And who says we can’t both take care of ourselves and support others as well?

 

Ok, off my soapbox.

 

Onward, so what does a lack of self-care look like in a relationship?

 

It looks like changing your plans last minute to accommodate someone else.

 

Sometimes being attached at the hip and not having any time for yourself and your own personal interests.

 

It can look like always going along with what the other person wants and never really saying what you want and need.

 

It can also be constantly saying yes when you want to say no and letting someone cross the line over and over again.

 

Some other things that come to mind include,  not speaking your mind, taking the short end of the stick, and just going with the flow of how the relationship is going instead of saying what you want.

 

These are some of the ways we can betray ourselves in relationships, which leads to a deterioration of our self-trust, respect, and at times feeling like we can’t or don’t know how to get what we need in our relationships. It can feel like just taking what you can get, and who wants that.

 

So how can you take care of yourself in your relationship:

 

The number one thing is to say what you want and how you feel (cue scary music). Yes, so many people struggle with this but it really is your most powerful tool.

 

You can set appropriate boundaries, including saying no and letting your partner know when they have crossed the line.

 

Self-care also looks like you having your own goals, interests, and relationships outside of the relationship.

 

Please, please, please don’t forget about your friends and family during that initial honeymoon phase. They are your support system and as a bonus the time you spend with them will help you miss your spouse. Plus no one likes codependency.

 

Make time for yourself and hobbies a priority as well. Yes, I had to say it again. See above.

 

Other ways you can practice self-care also include all the usual self-care things like taking care of your health(mental and physical).

 

And as a final note taking care of yourself included who and what you will not allow into your space. So do not ignore or accept harmful, negative or toxic behavior.

 

Self-care also looks like continually improving yourself and your relationship. When you show up as your most healthy, happy self you improve the quality of your relationship as well.

 

 

Self-care is essential, not just for your romantic relationship but in any relationship that you are in. Without setting proper boundaries, independence or making ourselves a priority it can lead to unmet needs and losing ourselves and our identity in relationships.

 

 

How can you start to make your needs a priority? What support do you need to overcome the barriers that lead you to continually people please and put others first? I would love to hear how I can support you, email me here.

 

 

Questions to think about. How would your life be different if you took care of yourself and made your needs a priority? What has been making It hard for you to take care of yourself and your needs? What do you feel like you would have to lose to take better care of yourself? How might your relationships be better if you took care of yourself? And what if you did nothing, continue as is? What has been the impact on your relationships now? What are you wanting to change?

Examples of Low Self Esteem

Do you ever wonder if you have low self-esteem? Or maybe you suspect you have issues with self-esteem and are wondering if that true. Today I’ll be giving you showing you the sneaky ways low self-esteem may be showing up in your life.

 

I’ve struggled with low self-esteem for many years of my life but I had no idea that I had issues with low self-esteem. The way my self-esteem showed up was in these small ways.  By people pleasing, not telling people what I wanted, letting people walk all over me, feeling afraid to speak up and say what I wanted or how I felt. I always felt like I was the victim to other people’s wants and demands. I never really felt like I was getting what I wanted out of life and my needs often felt ignored or unimportant.

 

Because of this need to please and this fear of the uncomfortable it led me to become very avoidant. Avoidant of confrontation, avoidant of anything uncomfortable, avoidant of speaking my mind for fear of upsetting other people. I avoided things that were emotionally difficult for me which led me to becoming very passive in life and in my relationships.

 

And this pattern led to years of depression and kind of just going with the flow. It wasn’t until years of these that I had had enough, and I had to really confront what was going on. I wanted more for myself, my relationships, and my overall quality of life. And it was then after talking to a therapist that I realized I had issues with low self-esteem.

 

I was confused because I projected this perfect person who was agreeable, I succeeded in school, met my goals with ease but internally my relationship with myself was terrible.

 

So if your in the same boat I was in years ago. Here are some examples of low self esteem to help you decide for yourself:

 

But first what is self esteem: Self-esteem is the internal feelings you have about yourself. It is your measure of how much you value and like yourself simply.

 

Some examples of low self esteem are:

 

Inability to express wants needs and desires

Not knowing or understanding your individual  wants needs and desires

Feelings unworthy of love and respect

Feeling unable to manage and overcome challenges

Issues setting limits and boundaries in relationships

Recurring negative internal dialogue

Constant internal criticism with regards to appearance, success, abilities, etc

Second guessing  your actions often

Questioning other’s perception of you often

Self-hatred-anger and frustration about who you are

Inability to forgive self for small mistakes

Feelings of worthlessness or inferiority

Recurrent people pleasing

Struggle with assertiveness, communication or social anxiety

Low drive to succeed and/or having little direction in life

Inability to trust own choices and opinions

Overthinking and worry

Afraid to take  on challenges

Over apologizing

Difficulty prioritizing your wants, needs and feelings

Avoiding confrontation

Difficulty making decisions

Difficulty taking constructive criticism and negative feedback. Make take things very personally

Difficulty saying no

 

This is not an exhaustive list but it is a start. As you can see low self-esteem can show up in many ways. Some very obvious, and some not.

 

Sometimes we may have low self-esteem or our feelings of low self-worth show up in these sneaky ways. When we project this perfect image, this person has it all together. Our representative is what I’ll all her we miss an opportunity to authenticity and showing others who we really are and what we really want. On the inside we may feel like victims, unworthy, unable, we feel less than and insecure. Low self-esteem doesn’t have to be a broadcast, a big show, obvious to everyone around us. It shows up most with the internal relationship we have with ourselves, who we believe we are, what we believe we are capable and what we believe we deserve. And because of these beliefs, it drives everything we do, feel and how we show up in these subtle ways.

 

Everything you do, every choice you make is a string of decisions that add to your destiny. If this is something that you struggle with, I would love to hop on a quick call with you to hear your story and your struggles. I would love to support you in creating the positive internal dialogue and bravery-driven steps that will change your destiny. And if you’re not ready for that take a look at how you show up in your life more authentically?

 

What has your relationship with yourself stopped you from doing? What does that internal voice tells you you aren’t capable of? Do you want to stop giving that voice so much power? And if so, what would be possible for you if you did? Comment is this was helpful.

How People Pleasing May Be Ruining Your Christmas

Are the holidays stressful for you? And if so what makes it stressful? Is it the lines, or the gifts or the anxiety of spending time with that family member(you know who they are) who pushes your buttons? But mostly, and I know this is a strange question, how does your people-pleasing show up during the holidays? If you can be a people pleaser like me then the holidays may be especially stressful for you. So today I’m going to be talking about how people-pleasing can show up for the holidays and what you can do to take some of that stress off you.

How to Get Out of the Hustle and Bustle And Live More Intentionally

In today's episode, I want to do things a little differently. Welcome to my Weekly Wine Down. Where I give short tips to build confidence into your every day. Today I'll be discussing how to get out of the mental fog, go-go-go attitude and how to add more intention to your everyday life. 

How Managing Your Money Can Be Fun, Build Happiness and Empowerment with Jennifer Coury

I am talking to Jennifer Coury, a CFA, CFP, and all-around financial expert and wealth manager today. Jennifer has been in the industry for 40 years and is also a certified coach who works to help people understand what they want their money to do for them and how to do it. Jen has a completed different take on finance so you’ll want to take a listen!

Jen loves to talk about wealth and financial management. For her, it’s a fun topic, though she understands it can be stressful. When it comes to the differences between wealth and financial state, people often don’t think there is a difference between them, but it’s important to differentiate. Wealth is multi-faceted, and money is the vehicle that gets you where you want to be.

A huge question Jennifer tries to answer is how to make money less frightening to talk about. It’s about prioritizing your day-to-day needs and bills first, and once that is done, you can move on to savings. Make a one-year plan and realize that money doesn’t control you, it’s just an instrument. The most powerful tool you have is knowing what you can spend. Can that money help you elsewhere?

It’s important to understand your needs and wants when it comes to money management. That is the key to making your money work for you. Take into account your emotional needs and specific goals. Common sense and knowing yourself goes a long way in determining wants and needs.

Needs, wants, luxuries, and money are all individual. It’s so crucial to understand yourself and your financial goals. Small changes can go a long way to help you get to where you want to be.

 

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Meet Jennifer!:

Helping clients learn about finance, and managing people's wealth has been my passion for over 40 years. My expertise includes growing and protecting wealth, financial coaching, and navigating clients through financial transitions.

 

Connect with Jennifer!:

Email: jcouryconsult@gmail.com

 

 

Let’s Connect!:

Website: https://www.shesalivetothrive.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shesalive2thrive

Podcast: https://www.shesalivetothrive.com/podcast/

 

 

 

 

A Simple Trick To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

How many times a day do you compare yourself to others? Whether the comparison is how someone dresses, looks, sounds, how does it make you feel? Some comparisons can drive us to be better and strive for the things we want, while others leave us feeling icky, drained, demotivated by the feeling of never being enough. Because if we’re being honest there’s always something or someone we can compare ourselves to. And there will always be things or people that will be better or worse.

 

I want to tell you about A (this is a fictitious person of course). She is ashamed of how envious she is. Even though she doesn’t express it outwardly to others she compares herself often. Whenever she is around someone she feels is superior to her she feels worse about herself. She admires how other people seem to naturally have confidence, how tall they stand, how they speak with assertion, and how stylish they are. 

 

She looks at herself as a failure. She feels she could dress better, be thinner, be more assertive, more confident, she sees all the ways she lacks in comparison to others. And the more she tries to stop comparing the harder it is. She doesn’t want to compare herself to others but she can’t help it. 

 

She wishes she was more like them. Their lives seem so much better than hers. She doesn’t know not only what to do to feel better but how to have more of what she truly wants.

 

So the thing that makes comparison so hard for us is our brains. When they’re faced with two things they want to make one thing better and one worse. The trick to changing this is to first change your comparison to admiration.

 

Hear me out.

 

We can admire what other people have and who they are without having it mean anything about us. Logically we know that no one will ever be or could ever be us. No one can have the same values, life experiences, goals, dreams, personality. Just as we can not ever be them. 

 

One signifier of healthy self-esteem is to not be motivated by competition and realizing that we are not on a comparative standard with anyone else. Your motivation is self-expression and bringing your beautiful self to the world. And there is room for celebration and admiration of others. Here the goal is self-expression not in being better or worse.

 

I would love to hear from you. What has helped you overcome your comparison. Connect with me for a free consultation so we can dig deeper into your comparisons and how to break the habit.

 

When you stop comparing yourself you not only have a more harmonious relationship with yourself but you are able to see your gifts more clearly. And when you’re in this place of peace you are able to move forward toward what you want from a place of love instead of fear. Making it easier and a more free-flowing experience toward achieving your goals.

 

I would love to hear from you, what has helped you overcome your comparison?